Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time, when animals could speak and humans were all still living in trees, the porcupine and the manta ray held a poker tournament to determine who got to live on land and who would be exiled to the ocean. The result is apparent.

Once upon a time, in a far-off kingdom, the evil advisor to the king tricked him into offering said evil advisor the hand of the beautiful princess, but she preferred to remain single and while she respected the advisor as a capable administrator, she couldn't have him usurping the royal authority, so she stabbed him several times and left him to bleed out in a ditch. Absolutely no one blamed her.

Once upon a time in a little cottage by the woods, a poor woodcutter and his wife realized that they couldn't afford to feed their two children on the meager earnings of a woodcutter, so the woodcutter and his wife both took night classes and got lucrative jobs in the financial sector. They sold their cottage to an artisanal haberdasher who did quite well, considering the location.

Once upon a time, there were three brothers who were left various items when their father died. The eldest got the farm, the middle got the cow, and the youngest got a handful of beans. The eldest was crushed by a falling plow, the middle killed the youngest in a fight over the farm after the eldest died, and the cow ate the beans and lived happily ever after.

Once upon a time a fairy godmother was on her way to visit her god-daughter when she was hit by a bus. It was sad, but that's what you get for crossing against the light. Later it turned out that she was drunk at the time.

Once upon a time, St. George and a dragon had a protracted argument, and St. George wound up doing a dime in dragon prison for manslaughter. He saw some stuff in the joint. It changed him.