Do Not Go Into the Basement

Do not go into the basement.

No, really, do not go into the basement.

If you're thinking that you probably should ignore this warning because there's something cool in the basement, rest assured that there is not. There is nothing cool in the basement. I'm not saying this because I want to keep cool things from you. Do not go into the basement.

Now you're wondering whether you can trust me. You don't have to trust me. I have signed affidavits from various important people which cannot be displayed here but which I will show you at a time convenient for both of us. They will tell you that I speak the truth when I tell you do not go into the basement.

You are perhaps thinking this is a Pandora's Box situation. That there may not be anything cool in the basement, but rather that there is something horrible down there that must not be seen. Either it's something which might escape if you go down there or it's something that you cannot unsee. A terrible knowledge which cannot be removed from your brain once it's in there. Perhaps I'm telling you this for your own good, but do not go into the basement.

I don't have affidavits attesting to my sincerity when I say that there is nothing down there which can escape and no horrible knowledge which the basement contains. I should have anticipated your inability to listen to reason and procured them, but I was busy and tired and really, it's my basement and I don't give a damn what you think. Do not go into the basement.

You're going into the basement, aren't you?

I don't know why I bother. I probably shouldn't have put these signs up.

Certainly not on the stairs leading to the basement, where their bright colors and fancy typography would attract attention.

Well, I didn't warn you. I commanded you, and you ignored my commandments, so hey, go ahead, go into the basement. Wipe your feet please.