I tried a miracle weight loss cream once which claimed that by application to the thorax, one could reduce one's weight until one looked like a popular movie star. They didn't specify which movie star, but I figured they couldn't mean anyone but the greatest actor of our age, perhaps of any age, Morvan Cringlefanx. Anyway, I liked the odds.
The first application went smoothly enough, although I did have some trouble figuring out whether to put any inside my belly button. I have a very deep belly button, or so teams of spelunkers have told me. They lost a few good men down there, mostly to lint, but apparently there's also a side passage which fills with water when the tide is in. I let them hold memorial services every year at the appropriate time. Least I can do.
But I decided that if it didn't work without putting it in my belly button, I didn't want it to work at all, so I slathered it all over my thorax and ate a hearty meal, as pictured on the box. I slept and dreamed of Morvan Cringlefanx in Destruction on Peak 20, which isn't some of his best work but really showcases his abs.
It turns out that this was a weight loss cream for insects. The "thorax" really should have given it away for me, but I was desperate for a fix, as my meals are perhaps more hearty than is strictly necessary. But my exoskeleton has never looked shinier, so while Morvan Cringlefanx might still be out of my league, I am dating a very attractive wasp. I say "dating," but really she just stings me. A lot. Please send help.
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