Testing

This is a test of the Emergency Broadcasting System. It is only a test.

If it weren't, this would be a fine time to panic. But it is, so no need to panic.

No, really, don't panic. There's no reason for alarm.

I don't think you're really understanding the message. We're just testing it so if there is an actual emergency, we'll know it works.

Well, I suppose it could stop working between this test and the next catastrophe, but if we never test it, we'll have even less chance of catching errors before the next catastrophe.

No, we cannot simply take over the airwaves and broadcast nothing but this until a catastrophe actually occurs. People would get bored. And that noise we play at the beginning... have you thought this through?

Have you stopped panicking?

Okay, how about we tell you a nice story. Once upon a time, in a far away kingdom, there was a dragon who was rampaging through the land, but...

No, there is no dragon rampaging through the land currently. See, this is what we get for trying to be helpful. Now all those people who just tuned in in the middle of this think that we're under attack by dragons, when in fact this is merely a test of the Emergency Broadcast System and there's absolutely no reason to panic. None whatsoever. Please believe us when we say this. We're just testing.

If this were an actual emergency, you'd all be dead right now because we wouldn't have gotten around to telling you what the emergency was. Are you happy?

This concludes our broadcast day. Play the anthem, Jerry, I don't give a damn.